joycefungx

Take my hand and make a trip down memory lane with me. I was brought up in a semi-privileged background (this has its ups and downs, but that’s another story); my parents and brother work overseas, and my sister studies abroad. We started out close, our family, but life intervened and as I grew up we grew apart. The only constancy was my godmother, who was my surrogate mother, father, heck, my whole family. A real fighter, too; diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011, fought it, won it. She was my inspiration, my forever hero. 

I only wish I could tell you she fought until the end. She didn’t. On Day 89, I received three news. One: her cancer has relapsed. Two: she doesn’t want to go through all the pain again. Three: she’s flying back to her hometown. 

I just... stood there.

She, who taught me how to fight, how to bite back when life bit you, she’s giving up. She, who stood by me all the time, even after my father, mother, brother, sister left, she’s leaving me. I was sucked into a black hole of too many emotions to name; just know that none was positive. I couldn’t bring myself to post another quote. With the project, I tried to light up smiles, make the world a better place, but in the end I couldn’t even keep her.

I was cleaning up my computer a few days ago, and came across my One Hundred Quotes folder. Every single quote spoke to me, stirring up a rainstorm of memories and emotions. I remember posting the first quote, just a drop in the ocean. And as the days passed the drop grew into a ripple, and then somehow ripple – our ripple – grew into a tsunami. Seeing the bright-eyed, hopeful teen I was made me realize how bitter and weak I’ve let myself become. In breaking the project off, I gave up fighting too. I ran away because I was scared and selfish... I’m so sorry.

But, starting from today, that’s going to be part of the past. Day 89 was an ellipses, not a period: One Hundred Quotes is back in action.

At the beginning, I was sixteen and hopeful. Here I am, two years older, not wiser. Broken, healing; still hopeful, even if it hurts, because life doesn’t stop happening when you close your eyes and if you live you life with your eyes closed, you’ll never catch a glimpse of the million bright and beautiful things happening around you, to you. Hopeful is how I started; hopeful is how I’m going to bring this project to an end.

Afterwards, who knows? I’m thinking of motivational backgrounds and quotes every week or two or so. What do you think? Let’s make this a communal thing. 

I’ll read all the comments you left/leave me and reply at my best. Forgive me if I’m not quick enough; college application is kicking in so I’ll be quite busy with school!

Thanks for stopping by. Have a most beautiful day.

Joyce